on Jul 24, 2014
Thanks a bunch for the feedback David!
I had a sneaking suspicion that our story structure might be an issue. I'm cooking up something next month that has a little more Harmonesque structure.
Jul 25, 2014 at 1:12pm
Hah! That big cellphone. This looked awesome and your cast was great. I also dig your subject matter. I wanted to like this more.
This has a couple big problems. I guess the major one is that it's an origin story? I think? It feels like half a story. An 11th century english peasant gets transported by a wizard to 1984 los angeles to become a rock star where he finds success and... has an angry phone call.
I don't really know what your show is about. What would episode 10 be? Is Buttrock City still in 1984 and on the run from The Wizard and trying to be a rock superstar? Why should the audience vote it back? What is for sale?
Maybe if you want to tell a story about an 11th century english fieldworker living in 1984 los angeles as a rock star, start there. In our cold open and intro we're explaining that he used to be a peasant but a wizard transported him to the future. In scene one he's getting an angry phone call from the wizard. Oh crap, he has to solve this "Angry Wizard" problem if he wants to stay in Los Angeles. Cool, I'd be into watching that show, and hopefully by the end of it he solves the problem.
Gonna link the Dan Harmon story circle again because it's always fun to see:
I dunno, I don't want to impose this "tell a full story" agenda on you, Car-Jumper barely tells a full story this month so I'm full of shit.
I can tell you know what you're doing on the technical side and you have some good jokes and great production design. It'd be fun to see you make a pilot that follows the Dan Harmon Story Circle, just as an experiment. I think it would be really great.
Jul 25, 2014 at 1:30am
Here is the link to my rejected pilot, Buttrock City. I'd love to get some feedback before I start the script for my August submission.
Jul 24, 2014 at 2:07pm
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