on Feb 20, 2014
I agree with everything. I think the handsome dude complicated the story more than added to it.
Great acting, though! Keep submitting.
Feb 25, 2014 at 11:53am
Haha, this was rad. I personally don't mind the cut-away jokes. I loved all the outrageous music cues and the Bound 2 stuff and "Sex & Candy" - I think that made it exciting and fun. It had a really cool energy.
But yeah, Spencer is right about moving that kidnapping earlier, for sure. Make an episode about their first kidnapping, not about their slow realization to decide to kidnap kids. A lot of times we'll use the strategy of "Start with episode 2," meaning, show us an episode in the franchise of the show, not the pilot episode that sets things up - in a 5-minute show you don't have to spend as much time exploring your characters and their motivations - the audience wants to see something active. Or at least that's what we've come to discover.
And I think without any context, we didn't really understand who those two guys at the end were, for the "next time." That bit felt pretty disconnected.
But this was an awesome first attempt. Excited to see what you do next.
Feb 22, 2014 at 1:08pm
Thanks, Spencer!!! Incredibly helpful notes :)
Feb 21, 2014 at 12:42pm
Story was clear, and you're both talented actresses. There was a lot to admire in it.
I'm not a fan of cutaway jokes in general, but in a 5 minute pilot they act as a distraction to the world you're trying to introduce viewers to. If you lost the cutaways and moved the act of kidnapping much earlier in the show, I think it would have stood a much better chance.
Get those kidnappers nappin some kids sooner.
Nice work and please keep submitting.
Feb 20, 2014 at 7:05pm
Thanks for any feedback, guys! Our first attempt ever :)
Feb 20, 2014 at 6:00pm
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