Feedback for “Mr. Blowhole In Human World” https://vimeo.com/361464205
on Sep 26, 2019
This short had some cool stuff. Fun title sequence, out there premise, cool production value (actual guy in orca costume doing stuff). I was very on board when it started.
The issue is what Alex highlighted: story and jokes.
Ideally, a pilot will have both (although there are occasionally dramas that do well).
The story here isn't coherent. There is no real through line. It's just a series of bits, which is fine if the bits are super funny.
Unfortunately, the bits/jokes were not that funny to me. It's hard to get better at joke writing, but I'd suggest getting involved with a writer's group or group of friends and having your stuff read out loud to see if the jokes are working. You can also screen rough cuts for friends to see if the jokes are hitting.
Anyway, hope you keep making stuff!
Sep 30, 2019 at 8:32pm
If it isn’t too much trouble could you possible for a little feedback on the Moinpo project?
Not sure if you’d get an alert to this.
Your feedback would be appreciate as well Daniel.
Sep 27, 2019 at 9:15pm
Hey, I wasn't on the panel last night but in an all time first, I got a direct email requesting feedback here.
My initial thought after watching is that this is a literal fish out of water story but the conflict isn't clear. Like when the Smurfs go to New York, it's like "oh we live in a small village but this is a big city!". Here, he's not like learning anything or confused about anything and nobody is even like "hey there's a whale". He just kind of aimlessly shows up and I'm not sure what he's up to.
So the dynamic seems to be that he hates humans and is walking around annoyed at them. I think this could work if the interactions were fun at the level of like Curb Your Enthusiasm. Instead he picks at some yoga guy who isn't bothering anyone and then kills a litterer in a strange Office Space parody and also fights a gorilla for reasons I'm not sure (I'm assuming because you had a gorilla costume? Which isn't inherently a bad reason to write in a gorilla.)
But story stuff I think can be forgiven if it's an exceptionally funny or compelling character drifting through life but I just personally wasn't too compelled or amused by any of Mr. Blowhole's shenanigans.
I think for your next show, start with a well-defined character with a well-defined goal and see where that takes you.
Best of luck!
Sep 26, 2019 at 9:58pm
Hey channel 101 community,
This is my first pilot that took over a year to finish. I’d love to know where I went wrong or what was good about it.
Thanks again for your time.
Sep 26, 2019 at 5:06pm
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