on Jan 24, 2013
Great feedback, guys. Thanks. I appreciate your taking the time.
I guess that's my marching orders: 1) one linear story 2) more digestible premise 3) keep it simple.
Jan 30, 2013 at 8:52am
Really well produced. I think this would have hung together better if you'd just made the full commercial and submitted it as your pilot, honestly.
Still, pretty neat.
Jan 25, 2013 at 9:15pm
Agree with Dave, again.
Great acting. But really, really confusing.
There are too many things going on:
1) they are commenting on the commercials they made (this is kinda a weird premise, it could work, but it should be done in a more traditional way. The two main people screening the commercials in a boardroom, or living room, and commenting on them. That way you limit the confusion of what's happening)
2) the company sells kids to witches. This is interesting, but also takes a second to grasp.
It's fine to be out there. But it's tough to layer one unusual premise over another one.
A show about two people fighting about the ads they made is fine (although they probably should be more clearly ads, the first one is, but the later ones aren't). Also a show about selling kids to witches would be great.
You have a lot of good ideas and some good lines. Just focus them and try a linear story.
Jan 24, 2013 at 3:05pm
Hey, we watched this!
I think the biggest problem was confusion. We don't know who these two characters are when we first see them and we don't know what's at stake or what they're doing. There is a graphic that says "Part 1: Start Up Founders Make a Commercial" but you get lost wondering who the start-up founders are, was it these people we just saw? Okay I guess maybe? What's the start-up?
Then we're seeing an animation, and we're not sure what we're watching. When I saw that animation I thought to myself "Okay, here we go, an animated intro explaining everything!" but then it wasn't an intro and it went on for awhile and it isn't until 1:06 that you're even mentioning Bedtime Forever dot com and I guess this is the start-up and that was a commercial and then I felt pretty lost.
It wasn't until 2 minutes that I began to understand that this show was going to be these two characters watching their commercials and talking about them, but are they witches and what's this store and why are they talking all this business over webcam and what's at stake?
What was the show you wanted to make? Two people who started a witch store trying to come up with a good commercial? Why not say that right away, have a character go "Okay, let's see these commercial ideas. Here goes the first one" and then put them in the same room as they review these commercials or even work on a new one?
I think you're both real great performers, but your comedy and story got lost in an overwhelming amount of questions.
Hope this helps. Keep submitting! Cheers.
Jan 24, 2013 at 12:58pm
First time submission! I'm guessing for all its finery, it's still kinda "two dudes talking." That said, I'd love your notes notes on what needs fixing.
Jan 24, 2013 at 7:56am
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