Critiques/advice welcome for rejected pilot!
on Jan 24, 2018
Parker, thank you. I really appreciate all you've said. I won't stop here.
And Oliver, thank you for your honesty, I will work on those jokes and the number of them.
Feb 01, 2018 at 7:32pm
Hi Danny. So the production value etc is great and it worked as a pilot in terms of story, I just think for us it wasn't as funny as it could have been. We're British so our sense of humour is a little different, but the jokes didn't quite land and there just weren't enough.
Jan 28, 2018 at 9:58am
Hi Danny! I was on the panel this month! We really loved this pilot. I personally laughed out loud so many times.
I thought the pacing was perfect, nothing dragged or felt like it came out of nowhere.
This was a super strong submission. The script was funny, the actors sold it and the editing was done so well.
To improve for next submission, I would say that unfortunately cop shorts are just overdone. You did it very well but the idea of cops or detectives just sort of makes people's eyes glaze over at this point.
Also, we could have spent a bit longer in the problem/stress area. It felt like he solved his own problem very fast which doesn't make it super enticing to see more of this guy if he's so untouchable.
Like I said, really awesome stuff. I think you could resubmit this as is and potentially get in during a month where there are less submissions.
Don't stop submitting!!!
Jan 26, 2018 at 8:53pm
Wow, thank you Matt! You pointed out some things I was totally blind to that could've really helped, which I will definitely consider for the next one!
Jan 24, 2018 at 6:49pm
I watched ya pilot. I've been rejected like three times in a row, so take my advice with a grain of salt or hell a ton of it.
You're nailing the fuck out of that schlocky 70's police procedural feel. The music, the shots being warm, the whip zooms on action. It's all there. Your characters look pretty and you spent enough time on your locations to get you that '101 professional' feel of not too dressed but not too bare.
Here's a couple areas you could improve on. I think that you have some bits that you don't pay off for us. Is the dancing detective *compelled* to dance or just by choice? Why doesn't anyone acknowledge him as weird for dancing? Do we just live in a world where that's the norm? Or is it because the world is so tonally the 70's police procedural (but I can't recall one where the characters routinely busted into dance) A lot of time is spent in your dancing sequences, which is fine, except that your whole pilot clocks in at 3:42 and you had a lot of space where you could have added more challenge for your cop or thicken that fuckin' plot.
Also pay off: Did the cop murder someone? What the fuck are those visions? Why didn't the lady's hand literally melt the ice cream or whatever? RE: "Everything I touch dies". If it was supposed to be a big deal that it didn't put in an insert of that shit being important.
Basically none of it was ugly. Your sound design was good, your video was crisp. Good stuff man.
I know we all swear by the story circle around here, but maybe throw in a threshhold guardian or two? IDK If I took half of this advice I just wrote up for you and sent it to myself at the beginning of this month, I might be screening.
Best of luck in February. DONT FUCKING STOP MAKING THINGS EVER.
Jan 24, 2018 at 6:28pm
Whoops. Thank you.
Here's the real pilot.
Jan 24, 2018 at 6:09pm
Hey Danny! I think you may have attached the wrong video. The one you link to is the Outakes for your pilot!
Jan 24, 2018 at 6:08pm
Here's the rejected pilot.
Would love any pointers and advice,
Jan 24, 2018 at 2:24pm
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